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A salesman, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist all used to meet at the coffee shop each morning before work. All were married except the salesman. Finally, the salesman got married, and, while he was away on his honeymoon, the others continued to meet. "I think we ought to have a little fun with Joe," suggested the carpenter. "I'll sneak into his house and weaken the bed-slats." "And I can do some hot-wiring in the mattress," suggested the electrician. "Well," smiled the dentist, "I'm not going to tell you what I'll do. Just wait and see." The morning after his return from the honeymoon, the salesman stomped into the coffee shop. "You know fellas, I didn't mind the bedslats collapsing. And I didn't mind the hot-wiring. But I sure as hell could have killed the guy who put Novocaine in the Vaseline!!

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash. When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate." The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat. Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!" The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring. The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure," he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready." He calls to his wife. She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"

A missionary who was journeying up the Amazon decided to teach his native guide a few words of English. First, he pointed to various objects in the rain forest and gave their names. The guide dutifully repeated them and the missionary was quite pleased, until they happened to pass two people making love on the riverbank. Embarrassed, the man of God said, "Man riding bicycle." The native immediately drew his bow and let an arrow fly. "Man riding my bicycle!" he exclaimed!

Noticing that her boss's fly was open , the embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open." The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to. The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top?" "Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front."

The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis. Why are they the worst? Well, O.J. slices....Fleiss hooks....Kennedy drives everything into the water, and Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in!

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Female Olympic athlete goes to the doctor and asks for some "performance enhancing drugs". The doctor obliges and the female athlete goes on her merry way. A few months later, the female athlete returns to the doctor..... Athlete: "Doctor, I have some REAL concerns about these performance enhancing drugs" Doctor: "Oh.. what seems to be the problem??" Athlete: "Well doctor.. the HAIRS on my chest........." Doctor: "HAIRS??? Really???? Give me a look" The female athlete opens her blouse. Doctor: " WOW... look at those hairs .. there are so many.. and so thick... tell me.. How far down do those hairs go??" Athlete: "Well doc.. they go all the way down to my penis... and that's another thing I want to talk to you about!!!"

A man came home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed, sobbing. He asked. "What's wrong?" She said, "A couple of hours ago a gigantic black man broke into the house, He made me suck on his prick, which was so huge I nearly choked. Then he turned me over and fucked me in the ass. Finally, he peed on me while I had to sing the national anthem." The shocked spouse said, "Darling, that's horrible." "It certainly was," she said. "You know how hard it was to remember all the words to the national anthem?"

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

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